Freelancing Community, Or How I Learned My Lesson The Hard Way




I had the weirdest idea in the Universe, to get involved in the Freelancing community and to do some work, as a writer.

Including all the other varieties as a Content writer, Copy-writer, Ghostwriter, you name it, I did it.

Some sites I have floated through are a complete scam, some are worthy of mentioning, and some had left me with back ache from sitting for hours in front of the computer screen and writing and writing..with no results or paid money as well.

Of course, I have done a lot of writing jobs.

The experience had been great with some people I have met as employers, and they are such wonderful persons that I would likely go out and have some coffee with them and chat like friends.

But, there are examples of complete human …no human, excuse me, animal behaviour there, also.

Blackmailing, scammers, frauds, a list incomplete because I cannot find the words how to describe those non-human non-ethic and non-professional entities.

At some moments I felt like a trapped animal with no way out.

And after a long negotiations, harsh words used as well, from both sides, I closed the page with the question mark above my head and feeling little, naive and stupid to the bone.

Fraud again.

Eleven hours of the full work wasted, no money paid, and feedback that this entity provided on my work ruined my reputation right to the botttom!

And all of that happened, because I just refused to be treated like a slave!

There you go Freelancing community!

If you are trying to be a writer-freelancer, never ever think about anyone except of yourself, no matter what they offer or if they even blackmail you.

Keep your dignity, stand for yourself and fight back if necessary!

I learned it in a very hard way, but at least I’ve learned my lesson well.


Tina The Mess, a newbie, has been awarded!

Oh boy!

Can you imagine this?

A newbie girl has been awarded for the Very Inspiring Blog Award!

Is this true?! Yes, it is!

Am I grateful? Happy? Honoured? A little bit confused? Everything and more then that!

Thank you Duniya Ku, for making me extremely cheerful! You made this possible!

THANK YOU is just not enough, so there you go…..

yin yang

….two happy cats giving you a HEART FULL OFF JOY and a BIG THANK YOUUUU!



Accepting the nomination requires me to adhere to 5 rules:

First: thank and link the amazing person who nominated you.  I’ve done that, but here it goes again, dear Duniya Ku, hugs!

Second: list the rules and display the award. Ok, let’s display the award…wait a sec…there it is!


Third: share seven facts about yourself: that’s the last chapter, you’ll have to scroll down for that.

Fourth: nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated: I’m happy to do it!

Fifth: optional – Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you: of course I will do that.


The “Me Seven Facts”

1. Childishly playful woman, living with an amazing ten-year old son and three happy cats. One big happy family!

2. I volunteer for causes that make me happy and proud: at the cat shelter, for the homeless and those in need. I love to help others. That’s just the way I am.

3. You can call me also a squirrel on a Red Bull, ’cause I’m multitasking every day, and wish that 24 hours can last longer. There’s no time wasted! Always doing something, going somewhere, it’s fun,fun !

4. I love coffee. Coffee. A lots of coffee. And some more coffee, please! And also, with a cup of coffee in my hand, there goes my amazement with sports cars, racing cars, drifting cars…all the stuff women usually adore!

5. I wish to travel to one more place in this life : Tokyo. I have been around the globe, not much, but enough. And Japan, is my next destination!

6. I have no idea how I ended up here in the WP community, except from inspiration that kicked me one day, and there you go! I’m proudly hanging around here with a bunch of amazing people!

7. Except from writing blah-blah’s, I also love photography, and actually have a stash of photos awaiting to be putted…somewhere. Probably here!

And now, my Nominee’s.

There is no order, I will just make a list, without any special preferences, I love them all equally!

1. The Wandering Poet –
2. MyReadAbyss-
3. jandelaforce –
4. RandomlyAbstract’s Blog –
5. Robert Jepson-
6. ivyon-
7. Laura P.Schulman,MD, MA –
8. thewizardsword –
9. AB-
10. prideinmadness-
11. pepeshrimp-
12. Man of many thoughts –
13. Cristian Mihai –
14. chroniclemecom-
15. Opinionated Man –

So, there it is!

I am sorry that I had to choose only 15, because there so many other blogs and bloggers that I really love and follow.

So guys, thank you for sticking and clicking on my blog and my posts!

I enjoy my time here in the WP World and sharing it with all of you!

Tina The Mess, the new girl in town, sends you all a bunch of joy and happy thoughts!

Punctuation Saves Lives!


Punctuation is “the use of spacing, conventional signs, and certain typographical devices as aids to the understanding and correct reading, both silently and aloud, of handwritten and printed texts.”[1] Another description is: “The practice, action, or system of inserting points or other small marks into texts, in order to aid interpretation; division of the text into sentences, clauses, etc., by means of such marks.”- Source : Wikipedia,

Well, punctuation is my OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).
I punctuate even when I shouldn’t.
I over punctuate, by all meanings, always.

When I edit the text,it looks like a forest of punctuation marks.

I erase some of them,but, I love the play and the scenery they can make.

They are too important to me.

And you now what?

Let me show you how important their use is!

1. “Woman, without her man, is nothing” (emphasizing the importance of men),
2. “Woman: without her, man is nothing” (emphasizing the importance of women!!!).

Choose your favourite, 1 or 2.Do you see what difference they make? I just adore them.

And now a little game!

A sentence and word puzzle, where the proper punctuation is needed and adds a full meaning to the following:

“That that is is that that is not is not is that it it is”.

I tried it several times, playing with it, like a child with puzzles. Amusing, isn’t it?

Share the love of the punctuation power, since it can save lives!

Or you can eat your grandma by mistake!


Yeah Write- Speak Easy Voting Is Open!

Hey folks!


I know how hungry you are of getting some more extraordinary good, inventive, astonishing fiction or non-fiction posts!


So, what are you waiting for? Go, read, vote!

And please, enjoy the ride. At last, it’s the most important thing in this voyage!

Click-click, on the link!

Yours truly, Tina The Mess. 😀


Insomnia, you ignorant, selfish creature!




Insomnia is a word that describes not being able to fall asleep, no matter how tired you are.
Well, didn’t have it for years and now is full-blown back.
Night passes by, and in a blink of an eye, there it is, morning, sunrise, and all that shit that reminds me how the day started, but I haven’t even finished the last one.
It’s like living in a day that has no ending.
I mostly hate birds. They start yelling, I swear, they’re yelling, around five o’clock in the morning. Just before the sunrise.
Now I’m in the mood for listening some hard heavy metal just to get up my neighbours. If I don’t sleep, why should they?

Ok, ok I am not that cold-hearted and bitchy.

So here it comes a haiku wannabe (undiagnosed poem) which I dedicate to the solstice, full moon, not sleeping.

Good night you say
Hang up the phone
And leave me
In the darkness.
For ten sleepless hours
I stared at TV, ceiling and wall.
Break the circle
Call me
In the moment I finally got asleep
With the sunrise.
I wanted to hurt you so badly
But you’re lucky
You’re not near
So all you get is a pile of
Not connected words
Meaningless sentences.
You don’t understand why.
Maybe, I should just shoot U down.

The Road To Yourself



Not mine photo. Too bad, because it is perfect.
It represents everything in my mind, colourless, empty, leading…somewhere.

I dream of driving full speed on a road like that, feeling free of everything that surrounds me at this very moment.
I don’t need companion, never had or needed one in fact.
I used to be alone, learned to speak with myself and make my own decisions.
Only thing that’s missing is a someone with who I can share a beautiful, hot mug of freshly made coffee in the moment of a sunrise in the end of the road
In silence.
No words needed.
Free open space. coffee taste, sun on the horizon appearing in a slight, yet visible form, touching my face.
Reminding me that, I am, in fact still alive.
Because, when travelling the black road, alone, you lose a sense of yourself.
As if nothing exists but blackness and speed.

Find yourself. Travel the black road. Bring a companion if you wish. Or lose yourself in the perfection of the moment.

Wherever you are going, you’re always find your way back home.

And to yourself.

Perfect Lovers



I never separate The Sun from The Sea. They are One, loving each other in the morning, embracing sunrise with the depth of emotions, sea breeze and soft waves.

If there wasn’t the Sun, the Sea would never have it’s most magnificent look, at the sunset, going from light turquoise blue, to dark blue and deep black, with orange reflections appearing from the horizon.

As the day goes on, The Sun keeping up high in the Sky, waves getting bigger, wind aiming for the clouds.

I lay down in the shade and watch this game.

Interacting, playing with each other, just like two lovers wanting to touch each other, softly whispering through Sun shining and Sea waves crushing on the shore.

All day long they play.

All day long I watch and listen. There are never harsh words, misspellings.

How seductive, I thought. How incredible, I dreamt.

And when the Moon appears, the Sea sleeps, deep, black, quiet dreams of love.

Could this kind of love happen’ to me? Once? Do I dare even think of it?

I know I do.

You broke it, stupid!



Not expected so much rain today. Maybe it will become a flood. It makes me sleepy, moody, down.

Everything a woman is expected to be. But I’m not that kind of woman, so I’m surprised with my own reactions.

I’ll grab some chocolate. Lay down. Listen to music. Think about opportunities and mistakes I have made.

I know, I know, bad choice of thoughts, but it’s my mind discussion which has to be done, sooner or later.

In the name of that, another undiagnosed “poem” ( oh, how I like that term).

Don’t call me

Don’t text me

Don’t even think of me.

You have no rights, no purpose in my life and my mind.

I erased you like a bad drawing from the plain paper, put you into garbage and kicked away with pleasure..

Please, you should do the same.

Our last conversation, silent, with no words at all.

Could I even call it conversation?

I had nothing to say, after you said everything, in four little, tiny words.





Enough said. Welcome to the exit door of my life. Please, shut it down.

I won’t look back anymore.




“I choose my own destiny!”

That’s such a common phrase, that gets me laughing every time I hear it.

What the f…. k can you choose? You are buried down with your own thoughts, worries, everyday obligations that just need to be done! That’s it! Nothing more, nothing less!

There is no excuse for your obligations, in your so-called ” life”. There are no choices!

No excuses for not going to work even if you feel and think that you’d rather stay home.

You must stay “responsible” and execute your obligations as they come.

Every morning when I woke up, and barely pull out myself out of the bed, I sincerely ask myself, where the hell I lost my last ten years? A whole decade?!

Flushed down the toilet, wasted and thrown away. Wasted on others and for the others.

I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.

Hopeless face that has come to the final conclusion.

You don’t choose anything!

Everything else chooses you. And there’s nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Of course, you can decide for yourself if you’re gonna wear that pair of shoes today or not… but that’s so irrelevant.

The big life choices and decisions, oh, you thought you made it yourself?!

Do not be stupid! You were probably influenced by people surrounding you, your community and way of life that is „prescribed“ to you.

We are just a mass of entities, like an ant farm, running around, unable to see the bigger picture.

The more you run, the more you bury yourself into the every day’s happenings, the more you become detached from life and from yourself.

I am detached. It’s kinda floating feeling. Acting as a robot, just doing stuff that need to be done.

And the real Me? Cuddled somewhere deep inside waiting… not knowing what am I waiting for.

But I do know one thing.

There is no f…g way to get out of the line that just keeps leading you further and further. No stopping, just moving forward. Walking straight, you with the rest of the herd.

If you think that you are not the same kind and you’re somehow different, you are so deeply wrong.

The truth, the meaning of the life is not available to us, common people. We are just wanderers keeping what we need to keep, doing what we must do, and NOT what we want to do.

You can call yourself a Rebel, someone who will just push and overcome all of the boundaries and rules of the society, to live a life-like you really want to.

Wanna be a rebel ?! Come on, play the role!  You will not last for a day. This game of life has rules! First of all, obedience! If you fight against it, you want last for a day.

I thought that this mind retrospective would be a positive one. But, I do realize now that it is not either positive or negative.

It is just REAL.

Albert Camus said :”The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion“.

I tried and I failed.

But, at least – I tried!

Did you try, ever?!

The Boy




One winter morning, a boy woke up.

He was not any particular boy, or the morning was in any way special.

He knew it was Christmas, but he had long ceased to believe in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, and everything else that makes a kid feel like a kid.

Under the Christmas tree stood a gift. He knew what he got. He felt no happiness or joy. He didn’t care. At all.


Mom was still asleep. It was early in the morning.

The boy took his favorite books about dragons, made himself some warm milk, and read.


Outside, it was snowing.

He wondered if maybe later he’ll go out, but even for that he had no will.

He read and enjoyed his imaginary world.

Where there is no contention, grief, loss, illness and tears.


For his age, he had seen too much.

He decided to open a gift when mom woke up.

He will fake joy and play with her.

He knew she was looking forward to it. Knew she loved him so much to the point of the physical pain.

When he was telling her that he loves her, then the tears came. She cried for because of so much love she had.


But the boy was in pain because she was always sad. Even while she was laughing with him, while they watched movies, drawing, he could feel some void inside her.

He knew why. He was just a child, but not in his mind. He knew.


When she wakes up, he’ll make coffee. That would cheer her up.


His friend Fred called to meet with him this afternoon. To play outside, in the snow.

He refused. He did not like to leave the mother alone. He loved to be with her, every possible moment he had.

Maybe mum did not know how he sees everything. How he feels everything.

Despite being just a child, he learned to suppress emotions. Just like mother did.

Their grief turned into something invisible but always present and touchable, like a soap balloon ready to burst.


He replaced this surrounding grief world, with his own, in whom dragons ruled, moms didn’t cry, didn’t have to take medications, and moms never had to leave home. Sometimes she was gone for days, weeks.

It didn’t make a difference if he knew where mum left. When she returned, she was different and changed, less sad, but always brought that bubble again with her. Invisible, yet touchable.


He did not want to change anything. He knew that everything would be fine. He just to be there, for her, for him.

To be good. To laugh. Tell her that he loves her. Every day.

It didn’t matter, he had only eight years, and he understood very well that life is not easy.

Does not always bring what you want. That ugly thing occurs.


Once, a long time ago, he had a father. Now he had an only mother, occasionally in rare moments.

There were times when he asked her something, but she didn’t reply, she just stared at the wall, empty and silent. Sometimes for hours.

He got accustomed to it.

He got accustomed to such a way of life. Mother was all he had, anyway.


He decided to go out with Fred.

Mom will be fine.


Yet, today is Christmas. Maybe, just maybe, Santa heard and fulfilled him one wish that he never, ever told anyone. He did not want to admit this wish even to himself.

But it was the wish from the deepest place in his small child heart.

All he wanted was Christmas morning full of laughter, favorite vanilla cookies mum used to bake. And a family.


He knew that it was probably too much to ask. So he returned to his book, to that what was real for him.

Red Fire Dragon. War in the story land, dragons and elves…

And outside, it was snowing. And it was Christmas. And the mom was still asleep.



Who’s gonna save my soul now?

Track 1
Nordschleife – Nürburgring, Germany


1. I have never been in NYC, and I always wanted to

2. I have never made it to the Nurburgring and Nordschleife and drove a real sports car

3. I have never been on F1 race

4. I have never been on an exotic island with white sand beaches and perfect blue see

5. I have never been truly loved for who I am

6. I have never been proposed to marriage

7. I have never had one more child like I wanted to

8. I haven’t left my country and took a job in Ireland, although I was supposed to

9. I haven’t taken all the opportunities that I could

10. I didn’t have a life-like I wanted it


The Lakehouse Incident


The Lake

When they arrived at their favorite vacation spot, they found that everything had changed.

For the first time in the five years that they have been coming to their lake house in the hills, Lauren and Tom remained speechless.

While parking the car, Tom has noticed that something isn’t right.

The trees were leafless, though it was the beginning of the summer. The grass, “Wait, what grass?”, thought Tom, there weren’t any, just dirt covered with dry, yellow leaves.

Lauren stood in front of the house. At least the house looked intact. “As if the bomb has been dropped here, my God!”, glimpsed in Lauren’s mind.

She looked at Tom. He was confused, turning around and not believing his eyes.

“Lauren?”, said he, ” are we on the exact place? I just don’t believe this is our lake house”.

“Darling, unfortunately we are. There it is, our house. Intact. But all of this, I just cannot explain it”.

There were no neighbours for miles, nobody they could ask what was going on.

The house doors opening had a same sound as always, squeaking from the rust.

Inside, the darkness, until Lauren turned up the lights.

Tom stepped back to the porch.

All the furniture, everything that should be on the floor, was…floating.

“What the…..?”, spoke Lauren and tried to touch the vase floating in the air like a balloon.

“Just don’t do it!”, yelled Tom from the porch.

But she did. In the moment her fingers touched the vase, it suddenly dropped to the floor, breaking into pieces.

“Who is messing with us? Is this a joke?!”, asked Lauren still standing in the middle of the hallway.

“I have no clue! I’m scared Lauren. Let’s just get into the car and drive the hell out of here!”, begged Tom with shivering voice.

Lauren agreed. She didn’t want to end up in some kind of the secret experiment, or whatever was happening here.

Distant echo of the waves crumbling on the lakeshore surrounded them.

They both turned around towards the lake, which was close to the house, just a couple of steps down the brick path.

The water was raising. At first, they both agreed frightened how it resembled a tsunami.

“But on a lake?”, said Tom.

They started running towards the car.

Lauren, breathless, turned to see the whats happening. Tom was in front of her, just few steps ahead.

The lake floated in the air, just like a big water orb.

In the next second, a gallons of water crushed everything in the radius of twenty miles.

Before the water came, Tom grabbed Lauren’s hand firmly, and their eyes met telling everything. “I love you”, was the last reflection in their minds, synchronized, enveloping them in peace.


Official report on the Meadow Lake Catastrophic Event: 

“As the government officials stated, the incident at the Meadow Lake that happened yesterday, was a catastrophic event following the series of earthquakes in the region.

The local population has been noticed that there is no threat of new events.

The extent of the damage is yet to be evaluated. No casualties were reported, also.”




PhD On Terms Loneliness And Plural



Solitude is a synonym for a loneliness: noun aloneness.

So, there we have a three nouns, with the same meaning.

For me, they do not “feel”the same, at all.

Yesterday evening I was so mad at you, stuffing your travel bags once again, as I did numberless times before. I felt grief, because your job is so demanding and you are on a trip almost constantly.

I felt grief because your socks have traveled more than I am, they have seen the whole world. The whole world, indeed.

And here I am, putting those socks again into your bag, the bag will go into the airplane, and you will go into the airplane as well, leaving me as always.

That’s solitude. When you are already missing someone who is right next to you, but in his mind, the airplane has lifted off.

This morning, at the airport, we kissed goodbye.

Instantly, as you were gone, the loneliness has come.

That’s loneliness, when you return home and find a pair of forgotten socks. Me and your socks, waiting for you to return.

The days passing by, loneliness turns int a monster.

The monster called aloneness. It eats you, it haunts you wherever you are, no matter what are you doing.

Aloneness is the final stage. The verge of the pot full with emotions, ready to blast off.

I could ask for a PhD on these three nouns.

I mastered them to a perfection.

We have been talking about us, about your airplanes taking off’s, international arrivals and the awful airport coffee.

I had it enough, I don’t want to feel the third monster noun again. The pot has exploded, and I cannot do it anymore.

When you return to our home, where we have lived for the past few years, I will give you your forgotten socks.

I will kiss you because I love you and then I will leave you for good.

Because loving someone so much and missing him constantly, mastering the all synonyms for the solitude, is ruining my life.

I want you in it, in my life, in my presence. I want you, and not the forgotten pair of socks.

If you will ever be able to understand the solitude, the loneliness, the monster of aloneness, then you will find me.

If you do that, I’ll get rid of my PhD, and finally make a plural in our lives.

Instead of “you” and “I” apart, we could make the word “we” or “us”. A new word in my dictionary.

That would be an awesome PhD, about the new term  – “we”, as a plural.

But it’s up to you to decide. The socks, or me. The plural or the singular, it’s totally up to you.


Do not clap along!


Darkness and Light

No sunshine for he’s not here

And I’m not crazy what I’m about to say

I’m a tempered bomb ready to explode

Right into the space, bringing it all with me


I’m unhappy and feel free to clap along

If you know that feeling

When the room ceiling is falling down on you.

Clap along if you understand the meaning

Of the loneliness, the only truth

Clap along, I know you feel it too.


Nothing you can say can change my feelings

You’re just wasting your time.

No offense to you

Give me all the arguments you have

But no, I won’t be fine.


Hey, come on

As you don’t know it by now

Nothing can lift me up.

I’m gone way to deep

Into this state of mind.


Come on

Don’t waste your time

Clap along while I’m going into the dark

Where I belong.

Clap along

But don’t follow me down.

I’m already lost

But you can make it

If you just stop

Clapping along.

(Pharrell Williams- “Happy”, rewritten, as an answer to a challenge of  DP- “To The Tune Of….”)
Continue reading

Surprise, surprise!



The second year of my work as a nurse in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) was exhausting me to the point I was able to fall asleep standing.
The shifts were terrible and the job was overwhelming.

Only two years of the job took me to the edge of my physical and mental capabilities. When I was waking up, I generally had no idea if I was in the hospital taking a nap or at home. The color of the walls assured me, I was in my own bed.
Confusion was not a proper word of my state of mind.

Then, strange things started to happen.
My boyfriend and I were at some boring wedding, and I remember my yawning.

Drinking the glass of the red wine, I took my cell phone and started to evaluate my plans for the next week, and grocery shopping list. So, I opened the application “My period”.

As I opened the app, a red light appeared and the message big as a Titanic, followed: “Your cycle is 20 days late!” I was entering all the dates carefully, without skipping anything. I stopped breathing for a moment.

I called a waiter. “Please, can I have another glass of red wine? No, bring me two glasses!”
My boyfriend gave me a look like I was nuts.
I counted the days for myself. Again, again and again.
Twenty days, just as the app said.

I drank the both glasses to the bottom, and convinced myself I had a hormonal problem due to stress, job and unhealthy living style.

“I’ll go to see a doc next week”, I promised myself, and forgot about it.

In the next following weeks, I started eating cucumbers for breakfast. I needed them, more than coffee. After all, they are healthier than coffee, I thought.

When I was coming from a job, my goal was to get to the nearest sofa or a bed. I fell asleep immediately, wearing the coat.

Back then I concluded that I surely had pneumonia, but, all my health examinations were normal.

My boyfriend reactions were merely “Meh, it’s nothing!” when I complained. And he was a M.D. But he had a cold head and no empathy at all. I wished to break him with a hammer, for his incapability of concern.

Then, I woke up in the middle of the night.

I had pain in my tummy, so hard I thought I was dying. I tried to wake the Cold One, but he just turned around and continued snoring.

I literally dragged myself to the bathroom, where I have spent the next six hours, lying on the floor, unable to move.
My cell phone was in the dining room, but it could be in the South Pacific Sea, as well. I couldn’t make it so far.

The next morning, as the Cold One found me on the floor and took me to the ER, the nurse said to me: “Congratulations! You’re almost 12 weeks pregnant!”
I felt dizzy. Pregnant? The cucumbers, the constant tiredness. It all made sense suddenly.

And my boyfriend, the Cold One, nodded his head uninterested and said: “Meh, we’ll manage it, somehow”.

We broke up the next day. I had enough “Meh’s” for the next two lives.

The phrase, “Meh, it’s nothing”, and my confusion, turned into the biggest surprise in my life. And the most precious.

People Pass By Me, The Celebrity





Why, o why would I ever want to be a celebrity, even for just one day?!

No freaking way.

I’m famous already, but nobody knows it, except me.

I’m my own audience, paparazzi and crazy follower.

My mind sets a stage every day, surprising even myself by the things it performs!


Dazzling things ,

stunning stuff ,

scary stunt performer actions,

captions of sentences to cry,

jokes to laugh at,

and scenes that would make you scream.


Celebrity, but without the front page at some trashy newspaper, or a new edition of the perfume named by me.


I’m famous already, and I don’t care if no one knows about it.



The Ability Of Perception



In the depth of the silent woods, through the mist and darkness, I saw him coming, as many times before.

Sitting on the grass, melting with the sounds of the forest, I closed my eyes.
“Have you learned anything from a previous meeting? Any new stories you need to tell me?”, he asked.
I felt he sat down by my side. I looked at him.
He always looked the same, through all those years that have passed, never getting older, always wearing the same long black coat and military boots.
Black eyes, the blackest black I have ever seen, were looking directly into my eyes, trying to read my mind.
“No need for that, I said, “I will tell you all”.

The silence stood between us. I have never interrupted him in his approach. It was the first time in my life, from the first time we met, that I showed the resistance.

“The happening will occur, soon, to get me where I do not want to go. I tried to stop it, but it is impossible. All the other probabilities just lead to the same endpoint”, I said trembling.

“Are you sure? Because after all the time I am teaching you, you have always found the parallel in which the endpoint is changed”. He looked confused. And that scared me. He was never confused, perplexed, or showed any kind of emotion. Just an empty face with the perspicacious eyes.

“Yes. I searched and tried hardly. As never before. But there’s just no other path”.

He nodded his head. I felt his thoughts rumbling through mine, searching and discovering.

I knew he would find exactly what I told him. Nothing more.

“You are right. You have done everything correctly, following all the steps learned. You are ready.”

That was not a good conclusion. That was not what I wanted to hear. I expected from him, as from my teacher, that he will be able to track down another passage.

“So, what am I supposed to do now?”. I was calm, in the cloud of our perception spot.

“Nothing”, he said bluntly. “As I said, you are prepared. Our journey has come to the end”.

Images from the past, rushed around my mind.

Childhood, when I first met him. Seven years old girl, sitting at the same place as now. Afraid. Through the years he taught me so much. He helped me in numerous situations. And now, in my middle thirties, as a grown woman I reached the end of guidance.

“Thank you”, I said. That was all I could say, nothing more, nothing less. It would be inappropriate to move on with more words said.
We already said it all to each other in the past years.

“Remember, as unique you are, you are not indestructible. Your ability is not unbeatable by the universe. Accept that certainty, as you have accepted all of my coaching before”.

No remorse in his voice, no sadness because of our last goodbye. I didn’t expect it, though.

He stood up abruptly, the black coat and that familiar boots glittering in the moonlight.

He turned around and gave me a last look into the depth of my soul, and just vanished into the deepest parts of the woods.

In my mind, I heard “Goodbye”, and that was all. Nothing else to add, to say, to calm me as he did before. It was the end of our journey.

The path

Waking up was painful. Distorted mind, scattered thoughts. The usual feeling after our meetings. I got used to that over the years.
Coffee had brought me back a little, but still, the restlessness did not subside.

In the street, walking to the work, I was always looking at the pavement, not wanting to view someone in the eyes.

Because, if that happened, I could hear all of the person’s thoughts, the resemblance of his past, and being able to see his future, which was the hardest part. I have seen enough pain and suffering, and felt it with my whole body. I could not deal with it anymore, it was just too hard.

My ability was not a gift, but a curse. I have been grateful to my teacher to lead me and coach me how to control it, but sometimes it was not possible to break up the contact with the other person, and that was bothering me.

At the work, I was completely serene. I did all of my tasks, arranged meetings, concluded the unfinished work from the last week.

My co-workers were all blocked for my ability. I did that a long time ago, after realizing how much distraction there is working with a group of people and being able to feel what they feel, to hear what they think every time I looked someone in the eyes.

As the end of the day was near, I was resistant to go home. So I asked one of my colleagues to join me for a cup of coffee in the nearby restaurant.

I needed someones presence now. Just for a while, just to settle my mind.

The coffee was terrible, but the chit-chat was relaxing. I laughed at some jokes; I smiled to the stories about his weekend barbecue failure due to his nervous wife and annoying neighbors. The story totally unknown to me, as I have never experienced it before.

I grew up as an adopted child in a home without emotions, cold, distanced and miserable. That is why I run away when I was seventeen years old, under the guidance of my teacher. And I accomplished everything I wanted, including the most important thing to me. My own home and my precious solitude.

The evening was over. My colleague returned to his family life, and I went to my confinement, tranquil and empty.

The Peace

In the next weeks, my life didn’t change at all. I did all the same things as before. I read a lot of books, though, long into the night.

I never ever gave a thought about the path that was unchangeable. Because, this time, it was simply unchangeable.

What must come, will come, and I could not revert it as I could before in the other situations, changing the future and avoiding the unwanted events. That’s why my life had so smooth path, with no unpleasant surprises, just the settled road that I was walking freely.

My teacher taught me not only to see the other person completely, deeply into the soul, but he taught me also, how the scenery of my future life could be changed. By finding other paths which led me into the wanted direction.

Only this time, the universe had not offered me anything, but only one lane to go.

I went to sleep, with no more forest and black coat who had given me the reconciliation my whole life.

The happening

“You missed the point”, said the stranger, I just met at the club. I went out on a Saturday night, to dance and chill out.
We were drinking funny cocktails and fooling around, talking about nonsense stuff, joking and laughing.
I forced him to stay the stranger to me, because I have blocked him, not wanting to know anything about him. I just wanted a night of fun. That was all.
“My place or your place?”, he said. I started laughing so loud that people around, looked at me with curiosity.
“Neither”, I said. “I’m just not into it”.
“Ok, ok, I had to try!”, he smiled. He seemed like a nice person. An interesting person. And he was a handsome guy. Pretty handsome.
But still, I refused.
I was avoiding any contact for the past ten years, because of fear of commitment, the fear of knowledge, the fear of the future.
He just smiled again as I said I had to go home.
“Too many cocktails! I feel dizzy already. I’m ready for a good night sleep”.

Yawning, I just left the club, leaving him totally surprised. “It’s better that way”, I thought.
The cab driver was silent, which I preferred, just listening to the radio the whole way to my apartment. I felt calm, safe and very sleepy. It was a fun night, at least for me, I thought.

Entering the apartment, the scent of the flowers surrounded me.
In the darkness, through the fade moonlight from the window, I saw a figure standing in my bedroom.

Long coat. Black, I assumed.

Boots, military I assumed.

I felt no fear as I approached him.

“It is you”, I said. Even in the dark, I could see his black eyes looking at me.
“I should have known it. That’s why the vision of the person was blurred, and the happening so clear. Because, it is you”.

Silence. Heavy as a stone.
“Yes”, he said. “I blurred it”.

I understood now. Everything was falling into one perfect piece of my life design.
“I tried to change the paths, but even I couldn’t”, he said with the perfect tranquility.

Closing my eyes, I knew. I saw it before, in my dreams.
What must come, will come.

For the first time, I felt his lips on mine. A kiss. Of love, understanding and sadness.

The warmth of blood on my hands, on my legs and his kiss still lingering on my lips.

He lifted me softly and laid me on my bed. I could feel the warmth of the blood surrounding me.
I had no strength anymore to open my eyes and look at him one more time.
But I knew the tears on his cheeks. Just as I knew the feeling inside of him.

What must come, will come.

Even unconditional love cannot stop it.

You’re My Most Treasured Mistake





As I stood there , looking at you leave into the grey and the forgotten world,

The tears weren’t falling.


I was numb

One big emptiness.


My knees were weak,

The Universe stopped , as I stopped breathing.


You choose, and I choose the same.

To tear us apart.


It was written that we must meet.

It was a mistake for us to meet.

The One above, the Universe, made all possible to bring us together.


To create a unique piece of art,

So soft, gentle, universal love.

And such a fabulous mistake.


I dream of you often and I know you dream about me too.

At least, we meet there, the kissing ghosts

In the non-existing world of lost souls.


Of all that I have done terribly wrong in my life,

You are and you will be always be,

My most treasured mistake.


The Tragedy Of Commitment



The tragedy of commitment.

Have you ever thought of commitment to one person as loosing other possibilities that may have come your way? Like parallel universes exist, and in everyone you choose someone else, something else, with unpredictable consequences.

I have found a great short novel/ article on the web that have described my thoughts to the fullest.

If I wanted to explain it, this would be it.
Below is the link to the original page, and all the credits go to the author, Andrew Boyd.

“The tragedy of commitment

Whoever wants something great must be able to limit himself.
–Wolfgang Von Goethe

Sometimes you are paralyzed with indecision. You can’t bring yourself to choose any one future because to choose one is to forsake the promise of all others. Yet not choosing is making you crazy. In such a state, drastic action is necessary. You must choose–and then, one by one, murder all the futures you passed over. Like a faithful companion you’ve cherished all through your youth, you must lead each future back behind the shed, and even if it looks up at you with those big eyes, dreamy with possibility, you must put the cold muzzle to its head and pull the trigger. And you must do it again and again for each future that competes for the attentions of your heart. Only then are you ready for commitment. Only then can you pursue the one thing which will, in time, and after much mourning, become all things to you.

The future is full of possibilities that I must shoot in the head.”- Andrew Boyd


Any thoughts about it?