You broke it, stupid!

Heart

 

Not expected so much rain today. Maybe it will become a flood. It makes me sleepy, moody, down.

Everything a woman is expected to be. But I’m not that kind of woman, so I’m surprised with my own reactions.

I’ll grab some chocolate. Lay down. Listen to music. Think about opportunities and mistakes I have made.

I know, I know, bad choice of thoughts, but it’s my mind discussion which has to be done, sooner or later.

In the name of that, another undiagnosed “poem” ( oh, how I like that term).

Don’t call me

Don’t text me

Don’t even think of me.

You have no rights, no purpose in my life and my mind.

I erased you like a bad drawing from the plain paper, put you into garbage and kicked away with pleasure..

Please, you should do the same.

Our last conversation, silent, with no words at all.

Could I even call it conversation?

I had nothing to say, after you said everything, in four little, tiny words.

I

don’t

love

you.

Enough said. Welcome to the exit door of my life. Please, shut it down.

I won’t look back anymore.

Advertisements

You Are Who You Are, Why Change?

AUDIOSLAVE – BE YOURSELF

 

We are all born into this world different in a perfect genetic chaos, making us unique. Unless, you of course have a twin brother or a sister, then you might consider yourself a little bit not unique.

If the universe wanted it the other way, we would all like the same music, dress the same way, are thoughts would be the same, our lives would be exactly the same.

But the nature itself tends to the chaotic state. It’s natural to be chaotic, to be different than the others who surround you.

I often question myself, what would happen’ if I really accept a long-term psychotherapy and completely change my mindset, my behaviour, my relationships with other people?

Would it still be me? Or someone else?

I know a guy with BPD for many years. When he reached the bottom, and searched for help, he undergo the process of a long psychotherapy sessions.

He is not the same person anymore.

We are still friends, but some of his reactions, sentences, the way he sees the world, is fully changed. I disagree with him a lot. And our friendship is not what it used to be.

In a way, a lost a friend.

I’m glad for him because he leads a normal life, with minor problems now and then, but I would never accept changing myself into someone else.

Sorry, I was born this way. I apologize for all my mistakes, bad manners, harsh words. I did the wrong this in my life. I hurt people, and I am sorry because of that.

But the others have hurt me as well, in a worse and more terrible way then I have done to anybody, ever!

Have they been sent to the psychiatrist? No.

So I choose to by myself.

The way I am.

I have changed only one thing: I brought a lot of kindness, empathy and love towards the others.

My character, though, didn’t change.

If you’re messing with me, it’s not gonna end well for you.

If you are kind to me, I’ll be kind to you.

My personality is who I am, but my attitude depends on you!

That’s why I posted this song.

It says it all.

“Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united?
Healthy or insane?

To be yourself is all that you can do!”

 

 

I Love You/ I Hate You/ I Love You/ I Hate You

hl

BPD

I love you when you’re around

I hate you when you’re gone

I don’t know who you are

When you’re not here

I don’t remember you

But when you’re back

You look familiar

I’ll get to know you again

And love you

Vicious circle

Game of angel and a demon.

Wish I could stick to just one of you

Either loved or hated one

Because I’m tired

Of getting to know you

Again and again and again.

Three songs…that are important in my life

 

So, for the start, these three songs aren’t any classics, or something classy either, but for me they have a special meaning.

The words, the music, all blended together in a perfect match, that hits my inner “spot” of reminding, recollecting memories and sometimes even vivid pictures of that specific moment in the past.

Every song releases in me a multidimensional emotional vertigo.

Here they are, my chosen ones:

 

1. Linkin Park – Castle of Glass

 

Why this song? Because of the  lyrics.

They hit me like a bullet, precisely into every critical point in my head. I feel like I am every word in that song.

Hurt, broken, piece of glass.

I am a crack in the castle of glass, almost invisible to others, because there’s hardly anything that is left of me. I am empty, partial, incomplete.

And I do need someone or something to wash the sorrow of me, and as the lyrics say ” show me how to be whole again”.

Oh, my biggest wish, to be whole yet again, to make the sorrow disappear!

 

2. Johnny Cash – Hurt

Oh, Johnny Cash, the legend. Amongst all of his songs I prefer this one, his last. To me, it describes my life completely to the smallest thing.

On the beginning of a song, he is singing about the hurting.

He hurt himself to see if he still feels, and I do recognize and know that desire deeply inside of me.

As he says, he’s doing it to focus on the pain to make the memories go away. The pain is only what is real in that moment. And that’s so true!

At least, for a moment, everything else diminishes, only the pain remains and is there. It’s a relief to feel it. Such a relief!

And by looking back into my broken life, everything has gone, everyone has gone. All I have is nothing.  All I become is nothing. If you stay by me long enough, surely I’ll hurt you. That’s me. That’s my BPD.

 

3. Nick cave and The Bad Seeds – The Ship Song

Love. the most admired and wanted feeling amongst us, humans. And when you finally find it, that true, deep, connective, honest, pure love, you cannot have it.

I had a love like that, love like in the song.

“We talk about it all night long
We define our moral ground
But when I crawl into your arms
Everything, it comes tumbling down”.

It was true and unique. The only one I’ll ever have in its deepest meaning. We have both felt the same way. And we have both been hurt by the fact that we cannot last. That we cannot exist as US, together.

It was a horrible time in my life and yet, in the same time, the most beautiful time in my life.

All he has given to me, showed me, will never fade away. His name is written on my heart and I’ll take it with me in the grave.

He was, and still is, probably the only person on this planet that understood every molecule of me.

Every word, even unspoken, was heard and accepted. And I was the only one who understood his feelings, his thoughts, his dreams. Nobody else could to that.

It sounds melodramatic, I know, but he is my soul mate.

And we are not together, and we will never be again.

I don’t want to say why. It’s our secret.

I live with another man now. And I do love him, we will get married, we’re planning a family together. But this love is different. It’s not complicated, it is deep and connective, but it lacks the one small detail.

Full understanding of ME.

I have BPD, and that explains a lot of my problems, and why people never understood me for real.

My fiance understands my illness, and me as a PERSON to a DETAIL.

BUT NOT TO THE LEVEL OF THE SMALLEST MOLECULE OF ME, as HE did.

I have never told that to anyone. It’s not important anymore. I have my memories buried in my heart. Sometimes, but rarely, that chest opens unwillingly, taking me to the past, bringing all those feelings to the surface. For me, they only hurt now. Burn my skin, broke my bones.

I will never forget or regret any moment of us together. But I want it closed up, like an ending chapter of a finished story.

 

 

 

 

Jack-in-the-box disorder…AKA BPD

Really good question.
When to tell someone and how to do it.
Because it’s not easy to admit it and because they will never understand your BPD at first.
It takes time.
I think that sometimes it is harder for them to handle some situation than for us.
And with time the real situation shows up.

They leave or they stay.

 

And this is what I wrote about the topic:

 

Good questionno, really perfect question for us with BPD.

My experience so far had shown me that there is no better way than to be really straightforward and tell the person with whom you are in the relationship your diagnosis.

BUT, when to do that?

When you reach a point of certain confidence and trust!

I can FEEL when is the right time to do it, and I have never ever told anyone immediately on the start, because of fear that they will just go away by knowing that I have “some” psychiatric diagnosis.

Let’s be honest, the people do not know, well most of them, what BPD really is.
And they do not realize, that it is probably much worse than depression. You said that right! It is worse.

None of my partners had left after I have told them about BPD. Why?
I think because they didn’t understand the meaning of what BPD is really like!

I tell them about what I feel sometimes, what I do sometimesall of those little things of BPD.
And the big things, like hospitalizations after pills overdosage.

I always suggested that they Google, or search for more information about my health condition.
But even after that, they thought it cannot be “that serious”.

Well, it can.

And when BPD shows up on the surface on some occasions, like separation anxiety, splitting, depersonalization, numbness, my poor anger control, or rare moments of self-harm, only then they realize that I really DO HAVE a problem.

Non-BPD’s must see and feel on their own how it looks like in reality, and not just what is written on some page on the Internet, or what you have told them.

Only then they could begin to understand.

Only then the proper conversation can start about the diagnosis.

Only then I can see if they will stay with me or leave me.

My fiance is completely there for me when I need him. Or when I have a problem, or when I feel really bad.
But even now, after two years of our relationship, after a quite number of my episodes of BPD outbursts, I don’t believe that he understands completely.

Yes, he is there for me.
Yes, he loves me and I love him.
But the full understanding of my BPD will never be possible for him.
That is my opinion and I have decided not to push him and try to explain him “some more things”. It cannot be done.

So far for us it works pretty well, and we are planning a wedding.

But sometimes, deep inside of me, I wish so hard that he could understand me completely. And I become sad, ’cause that’s never gonna happen.

Beautifully Borderline

This post is about how you tell a new potential partner that you have BPD (or any other mental illness).

This is not to discriminate against disorders or to say that mine is worse than yours, but I do believe that the effects BPD has on a loved one may potentially be more risky than say, just having depression. That’s here nor there.

BPD is like having an inner jack-in-the box. Except what comes out is neither happy, nor something that will make you laugh and giggle, close, and rewind to do it again. (In actuality, I find Jack-in-the-boxes to be rather disturbing, so this analogy seems fitting in my mind.) And just as with BPD, you never know when it will happen. The smallest bump of that trigger handle can bring it right out full force and there’s no turning back.

So here’s how it goes.

Girl meets boy…

View original post 130 more words