Hey, hey, hey….how I hate this BPD.
I felt like shit for the last couple of days, but today it has escalated enormously.
I had a meeting arranged, which I couldn’t miss, because, hey, job is a job, and I have a work to do.
I pushed myself to the end, passing my limits to get out of the apartment, get to the meeting, smile, do the presentation, talk, negotiate, make a deal.
Hey, hey, my boss will be happy!!
I got home exhausted emotionally and physically. Exhausted, but yet tremendously nervous and anxious.
My body wanted to sit, but instead, I was cleaning the bathroom.
My mind wanted to sleep, but hey, I had to do the laundry.
Because, when I sat down, hey, what a disastrous mess started in my head.
“This is not good…fight it back..fight it back..”.
So I cleaned the apartment, I did everything I could just to stop myself from thinking.
But hey, eventually, I had to sit down.
I wanted to hit the wall, to take the razor, to scream until I drop.
Popped up one Klonopin to settle down a bit.
Hey, let’s make that two. Three. Four. I stopped counting at ten.
I felt dizzy, somehow sleepy, hey, I know that feeling, been there, done that a million times before.
But inside of me….everything you can imagine was happening at the same time.
Hey, do you know how does it feel, to feel all you that you are able to feel at once, and so intense, that it hurts?!
I hope you don’t.
I really hate this BPD.
Hate myself. Hate everything.
If this life had a meaning, I would have found it a long time ago.
All I do now is a struggle, not to do IT again and end up this hell.
Six suicide attempts, first when I was just ten years old.
The last one was a close enough. I have been reanimated, because I stopped breathing, my heart stopped.. and fuck it, there was no tunnel with a light at the end.
Maybe the lights turned off, just for me.
Hey, I really hate this BPD.
Maybe the next time, someone will be so kind to change the bulbs in the tunnel, and turn the lights on.
I would appreciate it, thank you in advance.