Parents, who the hell invented them in the first place?!

 

Short and sweet this will be.

Like would master Yoda say, you own path go must. Ignore the stupid as better you can do.

That’s a comment to a conversation my mother and I had today.

Like two monkeys, not understanding what the other one said.

 

I could also speak Chinese, it would make no difference to her. She has a tremendous way of understanding me.  She just doesn’t,  but she thinks she does, so it turns in a one big argument conversation without the conclusion or ending.

I feel drenched and angry. Facepalm for her winning again,and leaving me feel like a crap.

 

51512052

 

 

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The Coffee, The Pen And The Gun

#TRIGGER WARNING!#

 

coffee and a gun

 

I had a cup of coffee, then two

I took a pen and wrote some notes on the paper

About the future, about the past

I wrote a letter to someone who will care enough to read it

I even draw a picture of the world as I see it

Just a black sheet of emptiness.

 

I don’t like guns

But I feel safe when I have one around

As being attacked too many times in my life

I always bear that feeling of threat incoming towards me.

 

The coffee, the pen and the gun.

I used only two of them.

The third stayed untouched.

 

For how long?

IMPULSIVITY IN BPD, OR WHY IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO DO A HAIRCUT BY YOURSELF

The hair

 

Ok, I have to be REALLY SARCASTIC about this BPD problem that I have. 

Yes, I’m utterly impulsive!

Sometimes it is funny, sometimes it is not!

Gratefully,I’m not into shopping, because I simply hate shopping and the shopping malls.

I’m impulsive about other things, for example:

1. Hey, it’s a nice day, let’s just drive off into nowhere and have fun!I prefer woods and meadows, so I mostly end up there. Where? In the woods. Where? No idea.

2. Hey, how about changing my appearance? New haircut! And who needs professionals to do it, I also have scissors! The end result is incredible, mostly for my friends, relatives and any other human that meets me in the street. The usual comment: “OMG, not again! You look like your head was thrown under the lawn mower!”. Great.

3. Hey, let’s go buy some really unnecessary tech ware! Or, I’d like a new cell phone! Damn my obsession with laptops, Pads, Mobile Phones, LED TV’s…..

4. I really do not need that piece of clothing anymore. Put it into the trash. Tomorrow: “Where’s my favourite skirt?!”

I really like myself sometimes, because I have no idea what will my brain do in the next minute. That makes me so unpredictable, but beautifully and amazingly interesting.

So, people around me perceive it like I’m a fun to be around, ’cause they never know whats gonna happen next.

Fun or not?!

What do you think?

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER COMPLEXITY

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY COMPLEXITY

Your character defined through BPD:

awesome, brilliant, emotional, empathic, charismatic and with no control over all of it!

  1. So, you can be a little pretty lady and go to the bitch state in 0.13 seconds, or have an emotional outburst on a single word that practically doesn’t mean anything special
  2. You can drive a car while singing your favorite tune, and in the next moment crushing the headlights of the idiot’s car in front of you.
  3. You can be happy and in the next second curling on the floor bursting with the tears.
  4. You really love your partner, but when he/she goes away, you feel abandoned and hate their guts.
  5. You don’t understand yourself, yet you accuse others for not understanding you also.
  6. You want to explain someone what is wrong with you, but it’s not possible.
  7. You are killing your emotional pain through physical pain of self-harm.
  8. You feel all emotions at once, and its overburdening, so you self-harm again.
  9. You have suicidal thoughts, sometimes all the time, every day, and yet you are smiling outside.
  10. You think of people as good or bad, nothing in between.
  11. You fear rejection, yet you push the people out of your life, before the rejection occurs.
  12. You are highly empathic and that makes you tired, you don’t need other people’s emotions as well.

All of this is, and so much more, is a full package of things you feel and do.

That is why the BPD is so complex, so it is often beyond normal understanding of the people that surround you.

The worst thing is, that the majority of the psych docs doesn’t know what to do with you.

Help is hard to find.

And BPD is not a broken arm that heals over time.

What do you think?

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

LINKIN PARK- GIVEN UP

 

I relate to this song in every word that has been written, singed, read, written, felt.

 

“Stuck in my head again

Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape

I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me”

The Borderline Walk On The Line

CAT

The Border that divides me,

From being well and being me.

 

I fear of “recovery”, because I do not know,

If I will recognize myself  in the mirror.

 

Maybe I am just made to be this way.

 

On the Border between pain and even more pain, walking the line (Thank you Johnny Cash).

Paint It Black

“I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and I must have it painted black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black” -Rolling Stones.

 

 

Darkest of darkness I have ever seen,

Turned into a crack filled with the pitch-black starless space.

 

I merged into it, floating on the surface desperately,

While I was unwilling,  and slowly, consumed absolutely.

 

I turned into black, the darkness pure,

The Soul, the Heart and the Mind full of the gloomy fury.

 

Is there blackest than the deepest black?

Could the darkness I’ve become,

Turn into the substance more mournful than it is?

 

Do not wake me up,

Until the whole black mayhem is scrubbed away.

Do not make me feel,

Until the colors reappear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, how fast things can fall apart!

 

 

 

Hey, hey, hey….how I hate this BPD.

 

I felt like shit for the last couple of days, but today it has escalated enormously.

 

I had a  meeting arranged, which I couldn’t miss, because, hey, job is a job, and I have a work to do.

I pushed myself to the end, passing my limits to get out of the apartment, get to the meeting, smile, do the presentation, talk, negotiate, make a deal.

 

Hey, hey, my boss will be happy!!

Fuck him.

 

I got home exhausted emotionally and physically. Exhausted, but yet tremendously nervous and anxious.

 

My body wanted to sit, but instead, I was cleaning the bathroom.

My mind wanted to sleep, but hey, I had to do the laundry.

 

Because, when I sat down, hey, what a disastrous mess started in my head.

“This is not good…fight it back..fight it back..”.

 

So I cleaned the apartment, I did everything I could just to stop myself from thinking.

But hey, eventually, I had to sit down.

 

I wanted to hit the wall, to take the razor, to scream until I drop.

Popped up one Klonopin to settle down a bit.

Nothing .

Hey, let’s make that two. Three. Four. I stopped counting at ten.

 

I felt dizzy, somehow sleepy, hey, I know that feeling, been there, done that a million times before.

But inside of me….everything you can imagine was happening at the same time.

 

Hey, do you know how does it feel, to feel all you that you are able to feel at once,  and so intense, that it hurts?!

I hope you don’t.

 

I really hate this BPD.

Hate myself. Hate everything.

If this life had a meaning, I would have found it a long time ago.

All I do now is a struggle, not to do IT again and end up this hell.

 

Six suicide attempts, first when I was just ten years old.

The last one was a close enough. I have been reanimated, because I stopped breathing, my heart stopped.. and fuck it, there was no tunnel with a light at the end.

Maybe the lights turned off, just for me.

 

Hey, I really hate this BPD.

 

Maybe the next time, someone will be so kind to change the bulbs in the tunnel, and turn the lights on.

I would appreciate it, thank you in advance.

 

 

The Beer, The Impending Doom And A Glass Of Whiskey

 

“And on my deathbed I will pray to the gods and the angels,

Like a pagan to anyone who will take me to heaven;

To a place I recall, I was there so long ago.

The sky was bruised, the wine was bled, and there you led me on.”

 

Surrounded by people I call friends, surrounded by people I call relatives, holding onto my beer, firmly.

 

Voices all around me. Making noise and not sense. Attacking me.

 

I hate gatherings. I hate being surrounded. I do not feel good. In fact, I feel awful.

 

In my head, the movie begins:

I am standing up on the table, throwing the bottle to the ground. The sound of broken glass makes everyone to look at me.

And then I start to yell. To each of them I tell everything I wanted to tell for a long time, but I didn’t, ’cause I was polite.

But not tonight.

After I told what I had to say, I break at least two tables and chairs. One chair is thrown into a window.

I can feel glass flying right into me, sticking into my flesh, the warmth of blood leaking slowly down my body.

And if that’s not enough, there’s always a Glock to finish the situation.

 

But the beer is not cold anymore.

And I’m on the verge of an incident.

Laughing next to me, my friend poured accidentally a glass of wine, ruining her perfect dress with lovely flowers.

To me, the dress looks so much better now.

 

I am getting of the table and walking away without saying goodbye.

I hear my name being called, but I’m not turning or responding.

 

The car, the road and me.

 

“Save me from myself, save me from myself….”, repeating into my mind like a broken record player.

 

After few cuts I’ll be fine. Pouring a full glass of whiskey makes me almost happy. The sound and the scent of the glass filling to the top.

Killing the beast is not easy, and I will do all I can, to make it go away.

 

Finding the peace of mind, or how to beat depersonalization and anxiety – this is my way of doing it

 

Peace of mind can be found, in the silence of the night, cat purrs in your lap, rubber bands slapping on your wrist, vanilla ice cream eaten with a big spoon, hugging a tree, rolling down the meadow on the fresh green grass.

I have tried all of the above.

But, still, the method that gives me a complete sense of peace and puts me back into relatively normal state of mind, is the car driving.

Loud music, open windows and air freely whooshing through the car.

When I drive, I am me again.

And I drive without the destination. I just drive, into the Unknown. Sometimes I’m on the road for hours, sometimes I do just a quick speed test on the side road without any traffic. Burning tires is my speciality.

Cars, speed, music, open road in the night, they are my healers, my biggest supports.

I do wear a band on my hand sometimes, but no slapping on the wrist can be compared to this kinda feeling.

I do not need to drive today, though.

Vanilla ice and a large spoon. And a movie about impossible love, my favourite in the past few months : “The Code 46”.

My evening is going to be just….perfect.