You Are Who You Are, Why Change?

AUDIOSLAVE – BE YOURSELF

 

We are all born into this world different in a perfect genetic chaos, making us unique. Unless, you of course have a twin brother or a sister, then you might consider yourself a little bit not unique.

If the universe wanted it the other way, we would all like the same music, dress the same way, are thoughts would be the same, our lives would be exactly the same.

But the nature itself tends to the chaotic state. It’s natural to be chaotic, to be different than the others who surround you.

I often question myself, what would happen’ if I really accept a long-term psychotherapy and completely change my mindset, my behaviour, my relationships with other people?

Would it still be me? Or someone else?

I know a guy with BPD for many years. When he reached the bottom, and searched for help, he undergo the process of a long psychotherapy sessions.

He is not the same person anymore.

We are still friends, but some of his reactions, sentences, the way he sees the world, is fully changed. I disagree with him a lot. And our friendship is not what it used to be.

In a way, a lost a friend.

I’m glad for him because he leads a normal life, with minor problems now and then, but I would never accept changing myself into someone else.

Sorry, I was born this way. I apologize for all my mistakes, bad manners, harsh words. I did the wrong this in my life. I hurt people, and I am sorry because of that.

But the others have hurt me as well, in a worse and more terrible way then I have done to anybody, ever!

Have they been sent to the psychiatrist? No.

So I choose to by myself.

The way I am.

I have changed only one thing: I brought a lot of kindness, empathy and love towards the others.

My character, though, didn’t change.

If you’re messing with me, it’s not gonna end well for you.

If you are kind to me, I’ll be kind to you.

My personality is who I am, but my attitude depends on you!

That’s why I posted this song.

It says it all.

“Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united?
Healthy or insane?

To be yourself is all that you can do!”

 

 

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It’s a Mad World, Indeed

 

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world mad world….”

 

Isn’t it a truly Mad World?

Beautiful song, awesome lyrics.

Like it? Do you find yourself in the lyrics as I do?

Q: Who would you be, without your BPD?

Extremly interesting post!

Read it if you have BPD, and if you want to know what an EMOPHANE  is.

By the way, I meet all the criteria for an emophane. -:) I think it is good news, but still, that reminds me how I found another label of myself.

I’m a person with a lot of post-it’s on my body and mind.

Beautifully Borderline

A: An emophane

Explanation:

Direct link (or read below for a summary, along with my own personal commentary): http://aapel.org/bdp/BLemophaniaUS.html

Wow. I just stumbled upon this. I’ve met a few other borderlines around the internet and have noticed some similarities among us all. I think the biggest two I’ve noticed are kind-heartedness and creativity. So I started on my e-search to “the positives about having BPD”, and I found this.

This is my favorite part: “It is not because I suffer from a borderline disorder that I’m sensitive, but because I’m sensitive that I was in a population at risk to develop a BPD”.

One of the other hallmarks of having BPD, is an identity disturbance. I often do feel like BPD is who I am. Who would I be without it? What would I be like? What all aspects about me would be different, or non-existent? I guess in a sense, I…

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My BPD Skin Scars In Real Life- Try Wearing A T-Shirt In Public

 

forearm

 

765042
Yeah, it’s ugly, someone noticed in the bar, sitting behind me.

My forearms, scared, every line representing something to me.

I have turned around and said that my scars are no more ugly than his unintelligent brain.

He was too stupid to understand the meaning.

 

But, from that point, and even before that, I have thought what to do with these marks I made?

I bought an expensive cover up make up, but I was disgusted by the idea of camouflaging myself. It is who I am, like it or not. So I didn’t use it, not even once.

One day, I met a great guy, who is a tattoo artist. We were out, drinking beer, and I couldn’t notice his constant look on my forearm.  At first I was mad, so I asked him why the looks? Are my arms so pretty?

He said that he understands, and meant no harsh feelings, but that he was thinking about tattoos on my scars. Not to cover them all, its impossible, but to make them less visible.

I asked him how does he know that I wanted them less visible?

He said that there’s no other reason to wear a long sleeve shirt in the summer.

And he made a point. I haven’t even realised I went out with my long sleeves shirt.

I was hiding from myself.

So, we agreed to meet and make some plans about tattoo.

And yes, I got a tattoo on my forearm.

But, I liked it so much, that it has turned into a full sleeve tattoo (the whole arm), that spreads all along on my back.

Also, I got two other tattoos on my legs, because I liked them.

So, now I am not only scared, but also tattooed. Society loves me and accepts me truly ( that was sarcasm).

Not long time after that, I met a great girl, a beautiful, open-minded and highly empathic. A great person with a wonderful soul.

She is a piercing master.

Now I have at least ten piercings all around me, including the forearm.

Society approves me now even more.

In the summer, when I go out wearing a tiny T-shirt, I can feel the looks from the surrounding people. They are disgraced by my look.

Fuck that.

I concluded that I have never fitted into this society after all.

Now they have even more to look at on me and pinpoint me as a scandalous person.

Fuck that, you didn’t respect me before, I do not need your approval or respect, especially now.

I love my new me, at least new on the outside.

The inside is awaiting a soul tattoo, a mind remedy and a heart healing process.

I know all of it will become real……one day.

Until then, I plan another piercing tomorrow. Just to add more spice.

Triggered

Well, the same “movie plot” as my life. Unfortunately, though.

I wish that I could share something positive about psychiatrists, therapy, DBT, but there’s nothing positive I can say so far.

The pattern just repeats itself in a form of a bad experiences with everything mentioned above.

BPD sucks, it is stigmatized to the bone.

It’s enough to go to the psych appointment and when they hear BPD I always hear that “uhhhhhhhhhh” sound.

It freaks me out so much, that I had started laughing the last time I was at the first appointment.

The psych asked why I was laughing, because he didn’t say anything, he was just reading my med documentation with that “uhhhhhhh” sound.

I replied: “You are all the same. When you see BPD,you are quitting on me before we have even started”.

No appointments had been arranged for the future visits. 😀

Girl walks into a psychiatrist's office . . .

I had an appointment with the psychiatrist today.

gun-phone

I was hoping we could have some sort of discussion about meds – even antidepressants. I am barely functioning out there in the real world, yesterday I had to leave work early (after arriving late) … I am a ticking bomb waiting to go off and I was scared yesterday.

I have met with this psych a couple of times before and I had a good vibe from him. He did my initial pre-diagnosis and was supportive during that time.

So, I went to the appointment with some enthusiasm and hope that he might offer some words of wisdom regarding my DBT debacle and that meds could be discussed.

What a silly, silly girl I am.

Firstly, here in NSW, there is a protocol for having your case worker sit in on any psychiatric sessions. I have seen 3 shrinks over 5-6…

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Borderline Personality Disorder Cartoon

My favourite BPD Dog sufferer on the YouTube.

Video about BPD that is made in an original way, funny and entertaining, as I see it.

I don’t consider it or approve it as a real BPD picture, and it lacks a lot of other BPD symptoms and problems connected to it.

But it is definitely worth watching.

It makes me smile.

That’s a pretty good reason, isn’t it?

MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!

What do you think of this cartoon about Borderline Personality Disorder?

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Did You Know?…#5

No, I did not know that.

All the scientific papers about BPD have a statistics that BPD is predominantly found in the women, also more in young women.

And why is this information so relevant?

Why are men underdiagnosed?

Because of the BPD stigma?

MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!

Did You Know - pause

that men and women suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder equally?  It’s not as well known in men because of extreme stigma.

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The 4 Ego States (Modes) of the Borderline

Interesting topic. And a true one. I found myself in every four of the modes. And currently, I’m a detached protector. It lasts for a long time now. For me this is the best way to keep myself functional. And to be honest, my psych could not ever bring me into the Vulnerable Child.
My shield is too hard to be broken.

Beautifully Borderline

I read this article and OMG this is me. I tell people all the time (those who know about my BPD), that I go through emotional cycles. I’ve described these very “modes” in the cycle that I’ve noticed within myself. I didn’t necessarily realize that they were very real and consistent among those with the disorder. I’ve pasted the significant section below, but here is a link to the article itself if you’d like to read the whole thing.

http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/bpd-rathbun.htm

To assist the therapist in maintaining appropriate engagement with borderline patients, a psychologist at Columbia named Jeffrey Young has developed an interesting way of categorizing the ego states commonly seen in borderlines. In his experience, the borderline patient will normally present four ego states, which he calls MODES:

1. The patient normally presents for therapy in an ego state which Young calls The Vulnerable Child Mode – in this mode…

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Self-harm: Ponder this

For all of those who do not understand self-harming. For all of those who are judging people with this problem. I’m embarrassed with my scars , but they’re mine and they somehow represent my certain periods in life. Every faded line has a story behind….

Beautifully Borderline

Something to ponder for those that judge self-harmers:

First let me say that I realize there are a number of reasons why people self-harm. This is one reason…at least for me.

What do you do when you get an injury? Let’s say you slammed your finger in a door. Ouch, right? You may attempt causing a physical sensation to another part of your body because it takes your mind’s focus off of the pain and onto the new sensation. Now, if you slammed your finger in a door, which we all agree hurts like hell, would a simple finger-point tap to your shoulder, for example, be enough to mask the pain? No way! You’d most likely rub vigorously or maybe even pinch yourself. It’d have to be enough to overpower the pain, right?

Now, those with mental illnesses experience similar situations. Except, their pain is on the inside. And let me…

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