Strange unknown house. My not-so-good friend party, birthday or whatsoever. Didn’t bother me too much, the occasion I mean. I was there, that was all that counted.
Boring to the bone.
Waiting to leave, unnoticed, without asking and answering stupid questions.
I was lost in the crowd with unfamiliar people, drinking my mojito, third, fourth, who counts anyway, looking for the door.
Tried to push myself to the limit of toleration of surrounding noise. The moment I felt my thoughts messed up, my head about to explode, I was seeking the way out.
No goodbye to anyone, just wanted to disappear without the trace.
I walked through the crowd, head down. No one noticed me, I was invisible, the state which is able to achieve if you know how. Blended into surrounding mess, words, polite chats. Awful.
As I entered the hallway, darkness surrounded me. I remembered where the entrance and the front door were. But there was complete blackness around. No lights at all. I was completely blind. Put my hand into the purse looking for my cell phone..but nothing.
Fuck, I thought.Fuck, fuck. Where is the fucking light? The switch?! Anything!?.
My purse filled up with thousand unnecessary things.
Like all the woman’s bags, you could survive the World War III with the content of the bag. Felt the lipstick under my fingers, car keys, wallet, everything and nothing useful.
I broke with anger, yelling at myself, thinking about entering that gray party zone again..I was so desperate.
And then.. that sound behind me.
Like a soft whisper. Like a tip toe walking towards me from behind.
“Hello?”, I asked.
Sound again, this time, breathing, slow, deep breaths, almost touching my neck.
I could feel chills down the spine. My hands started to shake. I wasn’t scared, I was horrified.
There was someone. Breathing behind me. I could feel his presence, the warmth that was getting closer and closer.
“What do you want? Who is it!?”. No answer. Silence, thick and heavy, you could smell it, the fear, the horror, you could slice it with a knife.
And then..there it was.
Hand on my mouth. Hand around my waist, felling pulled away.
Wanted to yell, I couldn’t, wanted to bite, I couldn’t, wanted to fight, I couldn’t. He was too strong.
Heard the door squeak as they opened. He turned me around like a doll, pushed me somewhere.
There were dimming lights penetrating the window blinds.
It was a room. Messy place. Smell of wine, cigarettes..
He pushed me again, hard, hurting my hand. I screamed this time, but who was able to hear me?!
I landed on the bed, trying to stand up, to get away, to run..I felt nothing but my heart beating way through the chest.
His arms took my wrists, hard. ” You’re hurting me! Let go of me! You motherfucker!” Words flowed out of me with no respond.
I couldn’t breathe as he simply lie down on me. He, heavy as a rock, lied, and hurting me, I tried to move, with every muscle, with every drop of my remaining energy, freaking out.
I just couldn’t. Not an inch.
“I was waiting for this, for so long….”, whispered in my ear, distant, cold, unknown voice.
I started crying. This wasn’t happening Not to me. Not to me. Not to me!! It was just a dream I repeated to myself, just a nightmare, I should wake up any second now. Any second, I thought…
But i didn’t.
I felt him. Completely. Tearing my clothes away, mumbling something in a distance..
His face, barely visible, not recognizable, and mine, filled with terror, met inches away. I could feel his breath on my face.
“You want it. You wanted it. I know”, he said.
“No!!!” Screaming didn’t sound like my voice, more like a sound of the hurt animal brought to slaughter.
I felt hopeless. Felt tied down. Defeated. Wanted to give up.
My mind wandered somewhere, far, far away.
I thought if it must be, please God, let it be quick.
Tears rolling down my face, I was trembling with frailty. So vulnerable, so fragile.
So not me.
All around came the light, hurting my eyes. Someone came into the room.
“What the fuck!”. Remote voice, through the fog of misery.
He jumped. Literally jumped out of the bed.
I lay down for a while, unable to move. Felt someones hands helping me to get up. To get dressed. Wiping my tears.
As police came, and ambulance, I don’t remember a thing. I spoke something, do not remember what, shaking.
Driving to the hospital, the lights of the ambulance car and sirens.. distant. Felt as nothing of this was happening to me. Felt aloof and empty. Just an empty shell. Every inch of my body hurt. Body? That was not my body anymore.
Three days later, 18 stitches later, numberless consultations and answering..I went home.
He was brought to prison, that much I know. And got out for a minimum number of months. Physical assault, good beahviour.
Unlike his, my prison and burden never left me. I buried it deep inside, where no one can see it. It digs up his way out sometimes, but I beat it.
And now, this is me. Beating it up now, in this time, but not when I should do it. Because I couldn’t think then.
I was old me again..after a countless months.
An that is what I call my triumph, to overcome myself.