Rebel

Camus-Rebel

 

“I choose my own destiny!”

That’s such a common phrase, that gets me laughing every time I hear it.

What the f…. k can you choose? You are buried down with your own thoughts, worries, everyday obligations that just need to be done! That’s it! Nothing more, nothing less!

There is no excuse for your obligations, in your so-called ” life”. There are no choices!

No excuses for not going to work even if you feel and think that you’d rather stay home.

You must stay “responsible” and execute your obligations as they come.

Every morning when I woke up, and barely pull out myself out of the bed, I sincerely ask myself, where the hell I lost my last ten years? A whole decade?!

Flushed down the toilet, wasted and thrown away. Wasted on others and for the others.

I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.

Hopeless face that has come to the final conclusion.

You don’t choose anything!

Everything else chooses you. And there’s nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Of course, you can decide for yourself if you’re gonna wear that pair of shoes today or not… but that’s so irrelevant.

The big life choices and decisions, oh, you thought you made it yourself?!

Do not be stupid! You were probably influenced by people surrounding you, your community and way of life that is „prescribed“ to you.

We are just a mass of entities, like an ant farm, running around, unable to see the bigger picture.

The more you run, the more you bury yourself into the every day’s happenings, the more you become detached from life and from yourself.

I am detached. It’s kinda floating feeling. Acting as a robot, just doing stuff that need to be done.

And the real Me? Cuddled somewhere deep inside waiting… not knowing what am I waiting for.

But I do know one thing.

There is no f…g way to get out of the line that just keeps leading you further and further. No stopping, just moving forward. Walking straight, you with the rest of the herd.

If you think that you are not the same kind and you’re somehow different, you are so deeply wrong.

The truth, the meaning of the life is not available to us, common people. We are just wanderers keeping what we need to keep, doing what we must do, and NOT what we want to do.

You can call yourself a Rebel, someone who will just push and overcome all of the boundaries and rules of the society, to live a life-like you really want to.

Wanna be a rebel ?! Come on, play the role!  You will not last for a day. This game of life has rules! First of all, obedience! If you fight against it, you want last for a day.

I thought that this mind retrospective would be a positive one. But, I do realize now that it is not either positive or negative.

It is just REAL.

Albert Camus said :”The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion“.

I tried and I failed.

But, at least – I tried!

Did you try, ever?!

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An open letter from a BPD to a non-BPD

In this video, originated from an open letter of a BPD sufferer who healed through DBT, the BPD is presented in a way that everyone could understand what is BPD really like.

Also, this is a great contribution to take away a BPD stigma from the society.

Please, watch it.

🙂

 

 

 

The Future Revealed

black-and-white-photography-by-Benoit-Courti-10

 

He taught me how to read people’s eyes.

He taught me how to use, to hide and how to control my skill, the Grand-master of our secret society, by the stories, old as the Earth was.

It was not a magic for me, as at one point in life, it just emerged to me. The ability we cherished in our family, was secretly hidden for centuries.

Once, the people called ones like us, The Witches or The Demons.

So, we learned how to hide and blend into the society that never understood our ingenuity.

 

There were rules, though. We could read other people eyes, see their memories, past and future. But it was forbidden to share our insight with the Commons, those without the ability.

I took the oath, privileged and accepted into the Congregation. I was finally equal to others, not inferior anymore.

In the real life, which I led normally, I was just another young woman. At the first few months I had a hard time controlling my insights. I didn’t wont to read everyone. But in time, I managed it.

I rarely used my mastery, though. Only in situations were I felt like I need to do it., like the rules implied.

“Hello”, said the voice behind me silently. I turned around. I was at work, and the delivery guy brought me some memos. I always thought of him as a strange person, somehow different.

He looked at me straight into the eyes. Almost without blinking. I felt an unknown energy flowing through me. As if I was uncovered, as if he knew who I was really.

Confused, I took the memos, and he just disappeared.

I was thinking about speaking to the Congregation about this event, but I decided not to show my weakness.

I haven’t seen him around for the next couple of weeks, and that made me calm. Even a slightest reflection of him made me nervous.

One day, I went shopping, looking for a new couch. I looked in the several stores, but nothing satisfied me.

“Looking for something?”, asked a familiar voice. I felt his look, even from behind. I didn’t want to turn around. But I must. “Yes”, I replied politely. The eyes. My body wanted to run away. It took all of my strength to appear….normal.

“Have you found it yet?”. Inquired voice, provocative eyes.

“No, I did not.  I had enough of searching”.

“Maybe I can help you”, replied he.

“What do you mean?”, I asked perplexed.

“The couch”, stated he firmly. I looked at him. I had to do it.

Like a universe unborn, his mind wild and bent, his thoughts rumbling, his memories mixed up. The past hidden in a gloom.

But the future, clear as a sky in a bright sunshine day.

” Yes”, I whispered. “The couch, help me find it”.

The future began, and I just took the first step into it.

http://www.yeahwrite.me/speakeasy/fiction-challenge-166-open/

You Are Who You Are, Why Change?

AUDIOSLAVE – BE YOURSELF

 

We are all born into this world different in a perfect genetic chaos, making us unique. Unless, you of course have a twin brother or a sister, then you might consider yourself a little bit not unique.

If the universe wanted it the other way, we would all like the same music, dress the same way, are thoughts would be the same, our lives would be exactly the same.

But the nature itself tends to the chaotic state. It’s natural to be chaotic, to be different than the others who surround you.

I often question myself, what would happen’ if I really accept a long-term psychotherapy and completely change my mindset, my behaviour, my relationships with other people?

Would it still be me? Or someone else?

I know a guy with BPD for many years. When he reached the bottom, and searched for help, he undergo the process of a long psychotherapy sessions.

He is not the same person anymore.

We are still friends, but some of his reactions, sentences, the way he sees the world, is fully changed. I disagree with him a lot. And our friendship is not what it used to be.

In a way, a lost a friend.

I’m glad for him because he leads a normal life, with minor problems now and then, but I would never accept changing myself into someone else.

Sorry, I was born this way. I apologize for all my mistakes, bad manners, harsh words. I did the wrong this in my life. I hurt people, and I am sorry because of that.

But the others have hurt me as well, in a worse and more terrible way then I have done to anybody, ever!

Have they been sent to the psychiatrist? No.

So I choose to by myself.

The way I am.

I have changed only one thing: I brought a lot of kindness, empathy and love towards the others.

My character, though, didn’t change.

If you’re messing with me, it’s not gonna end well for you.

If you are kind to me, I’ll be kind to you.

My personality is who I am, but my attitude depends on you!

That’s why I posted this song.

It says it all.

“Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united?
Healthy or insane?

To be yourself is all that you can do!”

 

 

Introverted Society

carsticker

Ok, this is actually not my car sticker, but I would be so proud if I had one like this.

As making a life more and more into car dwelling in the middle of the road jams, it would be so amazing looking at the other cars stickers, and instead of getting pissed off, you could actually have fun.

Or, eventually adding your FB profile sticker to it, to make more friends while waiting in the traffic somnolence.

Am I too crazy with this idea? Am I going too far?

Are the people ready to share some joy and maybe add a new friend out of nowhere?

I think the society closes itself more and more each day. No interactions in real life, or little interactions in real life.

One day we will be just sitting behind our screens, doing our jobs without the need to leave the house.

And the friends will be holographic presentations in the middle of your room, if you want to talk to someone.

A phone call will be an FB, Skype, or whatever other program available for social interaction, with holograms interacting with you.

I have no intention to live in a world like that.

I should probably start an initiative called : “Interact with me, but face to face, while enjoying your favourite drink!”

So, I’ll make a car sticker with twenty cats, and a sentence below:

“Real life means more than just staring into my car window. Let’s get some coffee later. Psychos are excluded. ”

What do you think? Am I bat shit crazy, or the society needs to pull out of the traffic jam?