So, for the start, these three songs aren’t any classics, or something classy either, but for me they have a special meaning.
The words, the music, all blended together in a perfect match, that hits my inner “spot” of reminding, recollecting memories and sometimes even vivid pictures of that specific moment in the past.
Every song releases in me a multidimensional emotional vertigo.
Here they are, my chosen ones:
1. Linkin Park – Castle of Glass
Why this song? Because of the lyrics.
They hit me like a bullet, precisely into every critical point in my head. I feel like I am every word in that song.
Hurt, broken, piece of glass.
I am a crack in the castle of glass, almost invisible to others, because there’s hardly anything that is left of me. I am empty, partial, incomplete.
And I do need someone or something to wash the sorrow of me, and as the lyrics say ” show me how to be whole again”.
Oh, my biggest wish, to be whole yet again, to make the sorrow disappear!
2. Johnny Cash – Hurt
Oh, Johnny Cash, the legend. Amongst all of his songs I prefer this one, his last. To me, it describes my life completely to the smallest thing.
On the beginning of a song, he is singing about the hurting.
He hurt himself to see if he still feels, and I do recognize and know that desire deeply inside of me.
As he says, he’s doing it to focus on the pain to make the memories go away. The pain is only what is real in that moment. And that’s so true!
At least, for a moment, everything else diminishes, only the pain remains and is there. It’s a relief to feel it. Such a relief!
And by looking back into my broken life, everything has gone, everyone has gone. All I have is nothing. All I become is nothing. If you stay by me long enough, surely I’ll hurt you. That’s me. That’s my BPD.
3. Nick cave and The Bad Seeds – The Ship Song
Love. the most admired and wanted feeling amongst us, humans. And when you finally find it, that true, deep, connective, honest, pure love, you cannot have it.
I had a love like that, love like in the song.
“We talk about it all night long
We define our moral ground
But when I crawl into your arms
Everything, it comes tumbling down”.
It was true and unique. The only one I’ll ever have in its deepest meaning. We have both felt the same way. And we have both been hurt by the fact that we cannot last. That we cannot exist as US, together.
It was a horrible time in my life and yet, in the same time, the most beautiful time in my life.
All he has given to me, showed me, will never fade away. His name is written on my heart and I’ll take it with me in the grave.
He was, and still is, probably the only person on this planet that understood every molecule of me.
Every word, even unspoken, was heard and accepted. And I was the only one who understood his feelings, his thoughts, his dreams. Nobody else could to that.
It sounds melodramatic, I know, but he is my soul mate.
And we are not together, and we will never be again.
I don’t want to say why. It’s our secret.
I live with another man now. And I do love him, we will get married, we’re planning a family together. But this love is different. It’s not complicated, it is deep and connective, but it lacks the one small detail.
Full understanding of ME.
I have BPD, and that explains a lot of my problems, and why people never understood me for real.
My fiance understands my illness, and me as a PERSON to a DETAIL.
BUT NOT TO THE LEVEL OF THE SMALLEST MOLECULE OF ME, as HE did.
I have never told that to anyone. It’s not important anymore. I have my memories buried in my heart. Sometimes, but rarely, that chest opens unwillingly, taking me to the past, bringing all those feelings to the surface. For me, they only hurt now. Burn my skin, broke my bones.
I will never forget or regret any moment of us together. But I want it closed up, like an ending chapter of a finished story.