Dead End

 

end

Triggered and thrown into the abyss.

With stupid words. With stupid acts. With stupid people that surround me.

 

I should have left my cell phone in the sink and pour the water in. To drown it.

 

I lit up a cigarette.

 

Smoke vanishes in the air. Just like me. Vanishing.

 

What do I feel?

 

Common question. Without an exact answer. All of it. Everything. Oh my, you stupid BPD.

Anger, grief, sorrow. If I could cry (which I just cannot for a long time now), I think I would flood the city.

 

 

Instead, I’m sitting empty, alone, looking at the wall.

Smoke in the air.

Coffee.

Me. Wanting only one thing.

 

 

This story should finally reach the end.

 

Perplexed plot, insane characters, twisted turns, unbelievable chapters full of despair.

 

Smoke in the air.

I took all of my meds, as prescribed. With a touch of more Klonopin to numb me even more. It’s not working, as usual.

 

If I make it through the night, if I finally get asleep (which I also cannot), I promise myself to see my psych tomorrow.

 

I feel another couple of days or weeks coming, in the, oh so well-known,  surrounding with white walls and full-time insanity.

 

If I make it.

Smoke. Vanishing.

 

 

“..Laecheln…… sanfte Rueckkehr….
….Traenenlos versinkend……
…..Schau zurueck friedvoll…
….Wenn die Daemmerung erwacht…

……Vieles bleibt vergessen…..
……Verschwommen und zerschellt…..
……An den leichten Momenten…….
……Dem Wellenschlage gleich…….ueberm Meer…”

 

 

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24 thoughts on “Dead End

    • Tina The Mess July 3, 2014 / 4:15 AM

      Thank you Andy, so much.

      (pokes a nose,coffee to go, wanna’ share? )

      (hugs, coffee shared).

      Like

      • andy1076 July 3, 2014 / 11:28 AM

        Coffee and warm loving hugs! 🙂 🙂

        .. oh and poke a nose back heh!

        Like

        • Tina The Mess July 3, 2014 / 11:31 AM

          (poke poke poke back at you)

          coffee!

          me like that.

          where’s the muffin? 😀

          Like

          • andy1076 July 3, 2014 / 11:42 AM

            Only fresh ones made for you! right out of the oven 😉 (poke poke poke)! 😉

            Like

            • Tina The Mess July 3, 2014 / 11:51 AM

              oh….that’s a big compliment.

              start baking. 😀

              poke! 🙂

              Like

              • andy1076 July 3, 2014 / 11:54 AM

                For you? anything you wish Tina! 😉 Poke poke poke! replied message btw 😉

                Like

              • andy1076 July 3, 2014 / 1:07 PM

                Ding! bluberry muffin ready, now..where’s she (looks around) mmm!

                Like

                • Tina The Mess July 3, 2014 / 5:45 PM

                  I have already eaten them while you were not watching. 😀

                  Poke a nose! 🙂

                  Like

                  • andy1076 July 3, 2014 / 5:49 PM

                    Gah!! knew you’d distract me again with those eyes 😛 Pokes your cheeks!

                    Like

                    • Tina The Mess July 3, 2014 / 5:56 PM

                      Hehhehehe….

                      I knew it!

                      Now….let me distract you again…wanna coffee?

                      But this time, I’m making it.

                      (poke cheeks nose) 😀

                      Like

                    • andy1076 July 3, 2014 / 6:10 PM

                      How can I say no to you? if you keep looking at me like that? 😉

                      Like

                    • andy1076 July 3, 2014 / 6:16 PM

                      *Pokes your cute lil nose and enjoys coffee)

                      So you work in late tonite? 🙂

                      Like

                    • Tina The Mess July 3, 2014 / 6:18 PM

                      Nope.

                      I’m off the hook.

                      Said to my boss that I will be absent for a week or two.

                      Have to get some time for myself, gather the pieces…

                      🙂

                      Like

                    • andy1076 July 3, 2014 / 6:27 PM

                      oh? is everything okay? email me if you like 🙂

                      Like

                    • Tina The Mess July 3, 2014 / 7:04 PM

                      Well, the two last posts weren’t fiction writing.

                      I thought you understood that.

                      Like

                    • andy1076 July 3, 2014 / 7:10 PM

                      I had hoped, sorry my Tina..! you do know I’ll miss you right? poke and kiss on cheek

                      Like

                    • Tina The Mess July 3, 2014 / 7:12 PM

                      Misunderstood again.

                      I’ll be at home.

                      That’s the deal with my psych, for now.

                      So the blogging goes on.

                      (make me a coffee, you misunderstood me, now you owe me a LOT of chocolate muffins and pancakes as well 😀 )

                      Like

                    • andy1076 July 3, 2014 / 7:14 PM

                      Hey let’s go into email away from prying eyes 🙂 (Embraces you warmly) Gmail?

                      (Gets coffee brewing)

                      Like

    • Tina The Mess July 3, 2014 / 4:16 AM

      Thanks Amy.

      You know well how it goes, ups and downs…

      Keep strong.

      Like

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