At the bottom. Not swimming, but drowning in the misery of the BPD.

I haven’t been posting, for a while.

Why?

I broke, fell apart, sinked to the bottom.

I don’t remember exactly what was I doing for the two past days. It’s a fog of memories.

Mostly I slept not to feel. Not to do anything….to myself.

I thought of ending it once and for all, I couldn’t bear it anymore.

So I took a pill after pill after pill, until I was totally numb and fell asleep.

Did it helped? No. I was looking for a help, my psych is on vacation, I called The Crisis Center,but it didn’t help too much.

They said, that I have to go to my psych hospital (second home,as I call it), but I did not. I don’t want to end there, again. It is three weeks since I left the psych ward, I cannot imagine myself being there locked up, again.

I was, I am still in fact, a wreck.

Going from feeling useless, failure, to self harm thoughts, to suicidal thoughts.

From crying to feeling nothing at all. Empty and numb.

I tried to talk to my family, but they did more harm than good. Our talk ended up in the verbal fight, as my mother, again, tried to be persuasive with her constant and annoying repeating words of how I am overreacting, and do I know how does it make her feel.

Yeah mum, I know. I have been your burden too long. But you have never ever said a word that could make me feel better.

My mum has an amazing power of turning my cries for help into her own misery.  If I feel bad, she makes it even worse, by making me feel guilty and responsible for all the problems in the world. Thanks, mum.

At this moment, I have no clue what to do next. Or better said,what will I do…next.

I’m sorry, but this battle is becoming to hard to fight it.

I feel I have no strength or reasons to fight.

The end.

 

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4 thoughts on “At the bottom. Not swimming, but drowning in the misery of the BPD.

  1. Addicted Scotian June 25, 2014 / 5:06 AM

    I know how that feels. Sometimes it’s just so hard to bare and no one gets it. I’m not sure what my diagnosis would be as to what is wrong with me, but I made a doctor appt. They were so good to get me in 2 weeks from now. By then I’ll forget what the hell I’m going for. I was having a crisis the other day, like really bad… I called my mom and texted her like a crazy person because I just don’t have anyone else. I told her that she would probably never see me again, that I just couldn’t handle what was going on… No reply.. Until the phone rang (I NEVER) answer the phone and I did that time because I thought it was her. No- it was her boyfriend who I barely know who told me mom called him to get him to call me because she was too busy painting and couldn’t call me… But she could call him…. Nice. Then she called my husband 3 hours later because I wouldn’t answer her calls. I’m sure he painted a great picture of me. Oh well. Won’t be going back to her for help. Never. Again. Sorry for rambling. Have a good night. I’m going to go fold my laundry and try to pass out in the spare room. The snoring husband is about to get a glass of water over his head 😉 better just leave the situation

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tina The Mess June 25, 2014 / 10:07 AM

      Hi there. Thanks for your comment. I found myself in your story and it hurts. It hurts by knowing that you have the same issue here. That no one really cares / understands. That painting and whatever can be more important than your own daughter.
      I’m here for you. 🙂 I understand, unfortunately.

      Next time, as I have learned, call the Crisis center, whatever you have in your country. At least, they will LISTEN, and paint.

      And now let me cheer you up a bit. 😀
      My BF snores at the magnitude of a smaller earthquake. Sometimes I can handle it, but more often I kick him with the elbow, or my leg. Then he stop for a couple of minutes. I said to him that I will throw a brick on his head next time. The water is just not enough. 😀

      Hang in there, and please know that there are people who do understand. 🙂

      Bunch of hugs to you. 🙂

      Tina.

      Like

      • Addicted Scotian June 25, 2014 / 11:03 AM

        Thanks Tina, I was being polite with the water dumping. Haha I’m sure you know the actions I go through plugging the nose, pushing him out of bed, etc I go through hahaha I managed to get a few hours in the spare room. Now off to get Grocheries. I’m going to bake with my little son today. Can’t wait 🙂 he is quite the little chef

        Like

        • Tina The Mess June 25, 2014 / 5:48 PM

          Hi, sorry for the delay, in my country today is Independency Day, so we are celebrating,and I haven’t been here, but with friends. 😀

          I hope your shopping ended good, and that the cookies / brownies /cupckaes? were deligtfull! 😀

          Tina.

          Like

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