I haven’t been posting, for a while.
I broke, fell apart, sinked to the bottom.
I don’t remember exactly what was I doing for the two past days. It’s a fog of memories.
Mostly I slept not to feel. Not to do anything….to myself.
I thought of ending it once and for all, I couldn’t bear it anymore.
So I took a pill after pill after pill, until I was totally numb and fell asleep.
Did it helped? No. I was looking for a help, my psych is on vacation, I called The Crisis Center,but it didn’t help too much.
They said, that I have to go to my psych hospital (second home,as I call it), but I did not. I don’t want to end there, again. It is three weeks since I left the psych ward, I cannot imagine myself being there locked up, again.
I was, I am still in fact, a wreck.
Going from feeling useless, failure, to self harm thoughts, to suicidal thoughts.
From crying to feeling nothing at all. Empty and numb.
I tried to talk to my family, but they did more harm than good. Our talk ended up in the verbal fight, as my mother, again, tried to be persuasive with her constant and annoying repeating words of how I am overreacting, and do I know how does it make her feel.
Yeah mum, I know. I have been your burden too long. But you have never ever said a word that could make me feel better.
My mum has an amazing power of turning my cries for help into her own misery. If I feel bad, she makes it even worse, by making me feel guilty and responsible for all the problems in the world. Thanks, mum.
At this moment, I have no clue what to do next. Or better said,what will I do…next.
I’m sorry, but this battle is becoming to hard to fight it.
I feel I have no strength or reasons to fight.