Really cool, I would say, the nick – “The Unsafe Containers”, for a bag full of emotions. Which is ready to explode.
When I feel, I feel with the enormous intensity, that overwhelms me completely.
Love, fear, it does not matter, I am overflowed.
That is a common problem in Borderline Personality Disorder. Emotions that are so strong that they could tear you apart.
Over the years, I’ve learned to hide these moments of overflowing, because I don’t like that people who surround me, know what I exactly feel.
The reason why I’m hiding myself is that non-BPD people don’t understand such moments, or especially the moments of total numbness and emptiness.
But, of all the feelings I do have, the only two I cannot control at all, are impulsivity and anger.
When I am angry, there are no words to describe the intensity of it. If it is really bad, I usually throw things around, the first thing that comes into my hand, cellphones, plates, even chairs.
I have never harmed anyone, or I wanted to hurt somebody else.
The anger results in harming myself.
Once I didn’t even realised that my arm is cut, and that I am bleeding heavily. I broke a glass, a wine glass, with full strength against the wall. The awards for that moment were eight stitches at the ER.
Luckily, these moments are rare, and I really want to find the way to control them, because, I must admit, I am afraid of myself and my own reactions to those feelings.
It’s mine own little, messy Borderline Personality Disorder. I wish I could say that I’m dealing with it ok, but I am not.
So, “The Unsafe Container”, stays with me further, until I find a better lid that will keep everything closed and wrapped up.