# TRIGER WARNING #
Ok. I am not ok.
I was released from the mental hospital two days ago, after a shorter period of hospitalization due to self-harm and aggressive behaviour towards people.
Yeah, I was just looking for a fight, starting arguing, pushing people, right in the middle of the street, and the worst part is that those were just innocent strangers passing my way.
My control was gone.
My impulsive behaviour overrated.
I started taking more and more and more benzos, trying to keep things down, not to hurt someone.
I hurt myself though, but, I didn’t take that act so bad. Few cuts, arms, legs, whatever. From my point of view then, it was just ok to do it..
After three days, I was overwhelmed by the feeling that “this is not going to end well!”, or, “I must not step outside of the house!”, or I will be surely arrested for assault. Sad, isn’t it?
So I took two whole bottles of Klonopin. It calmed me down a bit, I was sleepy, tumbling around the house, banging with the doors and doing some more cutting. On my arms, to be precise.
Luckily, my sister came around, because I was refusing her phone calls ( and for her that is an alert sign). I let her in the apartment, and she just stood there, frozen, eyes wide open, looking at me, as if she saw a watermelon or a banana in the middle of the space, floating. I thought about that look on her face and found it funny, because I was feeling like the melon in the space. For her, the sight at me was not funny AT ALL.
She was kind enough to bring me to the psych ER.
I was not so kind towards her, or the doctors and nurses there. I had said so many ugly words, yelled at them, and finally throwed a chair into the wall. Clearly, I ended up on Intensive psych care, sedated.
I stayed there, things calmed down, my medications wasn’t changed, I was just released when I was good enough not to kill anyone with a pencil or a spoon.
They told me to see my psychiatrist as soon as possible. Yeah, right. Like I was in the mood for doing that. Every time I called my psych and told her I was really, really unwell, she had nothing to say except – go to the ER. To arrange an appointment is a mission impossible. I really think she is avoiding me (now I am laughing , because, I would avoid myself too in her place).
And then today all is happening again. The story began to repeat itself. Car driving to the job, well, I did that. Closely enough to stay alive. I reported to my chief that I have a serious gastrointestinal problems, so he immediately sent me home, from the fear that other colleges do not catch that damn virosis too. Yeah, it’s an ugly one, virosis I mean.
I took benzos again. Not so much, but enough to go to bed and sleep.
When I sleep, I don’t feel.
When I sleep, I don’t exist. Therefore, sleeping is good. Not just for me, but also for my surrounding.
I was never in such messed up state before. And I really do not know what to do next. I tried to call my psych, but the line was busy all the time, so I gave up.
I think I’ll sleep it through and then see, what will happen’ next.
I know it’s the worst decision I can make right now, but I do not have any other choice than to sedate myself and protect me and all the others. Hope things will be better when I wake up. I really hope.